not yours to carry

on taking ownership of other people's happiness

Atlas, Vladimir Vanyukhi

I used to think of people as projects.

Puzzles to be solved. Potential to be activated.

So I hopped from project to project, seeking out struggling individuals and offering support in the ways I knew how.

How selfless I was… or so I thought. In reality, I was escaping my own problems by vicariously accepting others’.  Taking ownership of my loved ones’ well-being so that I didn’t have to think about my own. 

In the worst cases, I attracted draining people who constantly sought support but had zero interest in helping themselves. Constantly pouring from an empty cup, I ended up exhausted and resentful with no clear direction of my own.

I so badly wanted to believe that if I just put in enough love and effort, I could will my loved ones into health and happiness. At the time, I didn’t understand that making someone else happy is impossible no matter how much you love them. 

So I repeated the same toxic patterns with different people, from girlfriends to family members to close friends. 

“If only they could see what I see,” I thought deludedly, like some kind of tiger parent. “If only they did as I said, then they would have everything they say they want.”

Yet despite my frustration with other people’s inability to be happy, my own life was a mess that I routinely neglected. 

So why did I carry on with this messiah complex for so long? In addition to my upbringing, part of me desperately wanted to believe in a savior. Somewhere deep in my brain, I longed for someone else to swoop in and do the hard inner work for me. To magically bring me lasting happiness.

But that’s just not how it works. Though we all need support, real progress only happens when we help ourselves. I can’t take ownership of anyone else’s wellbeing; nor can I outsource my own.

I’m no savior, and neither is anyone else.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s also incredibly empowering. Despite my powerlessness to force happiness onto others, I have all the power in the world to create my own ― and so do you. 

Let go of those burdens. Turn inward and embrace yourself. Especially the parts of you that feel hard to accept. 

I hope you love what you find.