the audacity to shine

i'll never fear my own light again

Lightshow - Martina Stipan

I’m sick and tired of feeling unworthy.

All my life, it’s felt insane to believe I deserve what I truly want. To spread my wings and proudly take up space. To shine bright and let myself be seen and loved.

But I’m done with all that. I’m forging the wisdom to love everything I have, and the audacity to ask the universe for more.

This word keeps ringing in my head — audacity. 

It brings me back to this Marianne Williamson quote on shining boldly, delivered to me 18 years ago via Coach Carter:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world… We are all meant to shine, as children do… And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

As a kid, I had no idea what the hell Coach Carter was talking about. Like no dude, my deepest fear is definitely being inadequate. But I’m starting to see how I’ve shrunken from my own light. 

Every time I’ve begun to shine, my inner critic has suppressed my glow. “How dare you. Who the hell do you think you are?”

But I’m done playing small. I will boldly ask the universe for exactly what I want. I will embody my fullest potential, and I won’t apologize for it.

I want to make enough money to have access to everything I want in this life. I want to use my abundance to uplift as many people as I can. 

I want to meet the future mother of my kids. I want to build a beautiful family with this woman who will love me for who I am while nurturing me into everything I can be. I want to love this family so wholly that it will radiate golden light to the world for generations to come. 

I’m starting to feel worthy of all the good I can attract in this life —  just as I am.

Audacity.

The audacity to expand into who I was always meant to be.

The audacity to never again question my worthiness.

I’m stepping into it now. And I’m not fucking looking back.