you are worthy of yourself

on walking the tightrope between arrogance and self-love

Photo: “Facing My Demons” by Midnameowfries

I have a deeply complex relationship with pride. 

Growing up, I would receive constant praise for being a smart kid. This, of course, went straight to my head and made me pretty annoying to be around. Imagine the nerd at your elementary school who thought his IQ made him God’s gift to the universe. Yep, that was me.

Once I realized I was pushing people away, I decided to actively squash my own ego to avoid the pain of isolation. Better to hate myself than be hated by everyone else, I thought. What an extreme way to view the world.

So I relinquished my pride and replaced it with an unrelenting sense of shame. Disgusted with myself, I took on the role of a sadistic drill sergeant to whip myself into shape. 

“You can relax and pat yourself on the back when you’re perfect,” I mercilessly jeered at myself. “Don’t think for a second that you can let up on yourself until then.”

After a while, I lost sight of my own humanity. When I looked at myself, I didn’t see a person worthy of love and respect. All I saw was a pathetic, convoluted mess of failure. 

Despite my outward achievements, I felt no purpose. No direction. So I sank into a deep depression that would go on to last years. 

Having accepted that I deserved the worst, I pursued toxic relationships that mirrored the abusive relationship I had with myself. At times, I would fantasize about diving into an empty, dark void to end my suffering. 

I had become so consumed with avoiding self-destruction from hubris that I had guaranteed ruin through self-hatred.

Years later, I’m still working through the process of fully embracing myself. I still find myself ducking and dodging when someone tosses a compliment my way. But over time, I’ve finally internalized that I’m worthy of my own love. 

What’s gotten me here? I’ll always give credit to my incredible support system, but at this point I fully acknowledge the main person who made this all possible:

Myself.

Slowly but surely, I reclaimed my self-worth by making decisions that I could be proud of. I invested in myself. I learned to celebrate myself when I make progress and offer compassion when I slip up.

Through the ups and downs, I never gave up on myself, even when it all felt pointless. 

I showed up. Day in and day out.

Throughout your entire life, you’re the only one who’s been there for it all. Your biggest fan, your most loyal caretaker ― it’s always been you.

Acknowledge your own efforts. Apologize to yourself if you need to, then accept that apology. Make a pact to be kinder to yourself from now on.

You already have all the evidence you need to prove you can make it through whatever life throws at you. So trust yourself to be there for you.

You’re worthy of your own love regardless of what you’re not achieving or who you’re not impressing.

You’re worthy even when you’re not being useful to someone else.

You are worthy simply for being who you are.

I hope you treat yourself that way.